Unlearning the Shoulds: Shame Off You!

Posted: June 1, 2025

What Are “Should Statements”?

“I should be better by now.”

“I should have known better.”

“I shouldn’t be struggling with this anymore.”

These are common “should statements,” a type of cognitive distortion that traps us in cycles of shame, pressure, and spiritual disconnection. In Christian counseling, we often see clients weighed down by this inner critic—an unrealistic and often harsh internal voice.

If you've ever felt like you're not measuring up spiritually, emotionally, or mentally, you may be living under the weight of “shoulds.”

The Link Between Should Statements and Shame

Cognitive distortions like should statements are based on internal rules we’ve created or absorbed—often unknowingly—from childhood, culture, or critical voices from our past.

Should's are often rooted in shame, self-judgment, control, and sometimes perfectionism.

Should's make us want to hide (shame), and behind each one is often the belief: "you're not enough unless you fix this."

Recognizing the Inner Critic: Where Did These “Shoulds” Come From?

One of the most healing steps in counseling is asking: Whose voice is this?

A critical parent?
A voice from a harsh church experience?
A perfectionistic mindset?

The inner critic often echoes voices from our past, but it doesn’t reflect the heart of God. In Christian therapy, we work to replace those internalized lies with biblical truth.

Spiritual Healing: What God Says Instead of “Should”

God invites us to relationship, not performance. His love is not conditional on our success or self-improvement. It’s rooted in His character, not our perfection.

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28

Let’s replace these toxic “shoulds” with gospel-centered reframes:

Harmful “Should” Statement

I should be better by now.

I should have known.

I shouldn’t be struggling.

I should always get it right.

Biblical Truth

I’m weak, but Jesus is strong.

God gives wisdom, and I’m still learning.

Struggle is part of growth. God’s grace is enough.

God loves me, even when I fail.

5 Biblical Steps to Overcome “Should” Statements

Here’s how Christian counseling and Scripture help us break free from shame-based thinking:

1. Identify Your “Shoulds”

Start noticing when you're using that word. It’s often a red flag of self-judgment.

2. Name the Source

Ask yourself: Where did this expectation come from? God? You? Someone else?

3. Reframe With Truth

Use Scripture to replace lies with truth. Let God's voice be louder than shame.

4. Confess and Depend on God

God is not asking you to try harder—He’s inviting you to lean in and depend on Him. Healing starts with honest confession of our weakness.

Conclusion: Your Worth Is Not in What You "Should" Be

This post wraps up our blog and podcast series on cognitive distortions. We've talked about:

Cognitive distortions don’t make you weak. They make you human.

If your mind has been held hostage by distorted thinking or shame, God offers you something better: rest, renewal, and relationship.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you're looking for help overcoming shame, perfectionism, or toxic thought patterns, consider reaching out to a Christian counselor or mental health professional rooted in biblical truth. If you live in Tennessee, I'd be honored to work with you. Reach out and let's see if counseling is your next right step.

You were never meant to do this alone. And you don’t have to “should” your way to freedom.