Do you ever feel frustrated and irritated with your friends because you’re trying to “talk it out” and vent a bit, but they quickly jump to “fix it” mode (or “fix YOU” mode) and keep interrupting with questions or unwanted and ill-fitting advice?
Have you ever felt defeated, misunderstood, unheard, and maybe even attacked while sharing big emotions and overwhelm with a coworker or spouse?
Or maybe you have felt bombarded and suffocated by a well-meaning parent or friend who refuses to let you alone to process all the feelings and thoughts and, instead, insists you must talk about whatever it is… right this minute!?
We’ve all been there!
And we’ve also been there when a friend, child, spouse, or coworker approaches us in a big ball of emotions and begins dumping the entire events of the last hour on us.
You're not sure what to do or how to respond. When you offer solutions, you either get an angry response or a quick shut down of every clever idea you have. When you try to just listen, you are accused of not helping.
This type of encounter can be confusing…and so very frustrating for all involved!
I want to help you out…whether you’re the one having the hard time…or listening to the one having a hard time.
(And, moms of teens, this is especially helpful for you!!)
Here’s 3 questions for when you’re not quite sure how to help (or be helped):
- DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
This one may seem obvious, however, sometimes it’s not always clear. Our first and best bet is to lead with this question to find out whether they even wanna talk in that moment.
I’m guilty of assuming that when a woman or teen approaches me with tears and sobbing, that they desire to talk about it and process those feelings right then and there.
I’ve had to learn (and am continuing to learn) that sometimes people just want you to know and acknowledge that they’re currently experiencing some big feelings. And that is all.
They don’t desire to talk about it…yet. They don’t need solutions. For now, they just need you to know. Or might just need space to process it out loud with you for a few moments. Period.
Important note: when someone needs you to listen while they vent or process out loud, it’s always best to clarify your role: do they want you to be a listening ear and sounding board only? Or do they also want you to chime in with solutions?
2. DO YOU NEED ME TO DISTRACT YOU FOR A LITTLE BIT?
I find this one to be especially helpful with big feelings like anxiety or anger. People may not want to talk about it in detail just yet, because they feel the anger and anxiety will grow bigger and get the best of them.
However, they need help distracting their brain (changing the channel in their brain) for a few moments so they can find calm again quickly.
If this is the request, I can change the subject to discussing what they’re looking forward to this weekend or next month. We can talk about their puppy, and all the cute things he’s doing these days.
I can ask about what they’ve been reading lately, what their workouts look like these days, what their favorite new recipe is, their favorite funny reel, and on and on.
After a few moments of distraction, I can check back in and ask if they still need more distracting, or if they’re good now.
3. DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE?
This one can be hard. Especially for the “fixers.” However sometimes people just need to be left alone for a few moments so they can figure out what’s going on inside.
One tip: when leaving someone alone, let them know where you’ll be, and invite them to come and talk when they’re ready.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
Here’s what these three questions can look like in action:
When a friend or coworker approaches you with big emotions or after an especially hard day, you can:
1. Validate: “Looks like you’re having a tough time right now.”
2. Ask the questions: “What do you need? Would it feel better to talk about it? Distract you for a bit? Or leave you alone for right now?
When you lead with these questions, you quickly discern what a person needs from you in the moment as well as your part to play in helping them.
Knowing what they expect and need from you helps to avoid frustration for both of you…and helps them feel heard, valued, and ultimately gets their needs met!
YOUR TURN
Consider sharing these three questions with your girlfriends, coworkers, or your family. Commit to creating a note on your phone with these questions and use them the next time one of you is having a tough time and calls for some support.
I’m curious, which one do you most often need? Let me know in the comments below!